an open letter to Dan Savage

Dear Dan,

I support you and tend to agree with almost everything you say. I’m a big fan of ‘It Gets Better’ and the podcast and new MTV show and your entire media empire.

I think you’re about something bigger than fighting bullying or sex-positivity or gay rights or any of that. You’re about sexual rationality for Americans. What would it look like if Americans had a well-adjusted, sane, reasonable, honest, rational sexual culture? How would such a culture accommodate all the odd wrinkles of human sexuality? How would we think about ourselves, and interact with others? I get a dose of your vision a couple times a week, with your great humor, and it’s improved my life.

But that’s a radical project. American sexual culture is utterly screwed up, and a lot of Americans spend  a lot of energy on protecting that screwed-upness. You know that. And while I endorse you ‘getting up on your hind legs’ and confronting the hatred and bigotry, there are different ways to do that.

It’s not a stretch to compare that confrontation with the movement Martin Luther King led. In some ways, this fight is actually greater. White folks in America thought differently about African Americans after the civil rights movement, but they didn’t have to think that differently about themselves. They didn’t have to accept aspects of themselves they’d long rejected. And while white couples do not have black children, gay children are born to straight families every hour of every day.

But when MLK upset white people, there was no tit-for-tat in his responses. There was truth telling and unconditional love. He was unwavering in his  dedication to the ideal that the people who so hated him were his brothers and sisters, and that only when everyone understood that would we be truly free.

Truly free. Isn’t that what you really want, Dan? Freedom from the ignorance and fear that clouds our sexual culture?

And that’s a tough standard. It’s hard to give unconditional love to people who hate you. I don’t think it’s something you even aspire to. I don’t think it’s anything you’re working on.

Remember, Martin Luther King is not a liberal icon today, he’s an American icon. People across the political spectrum must recon with his memory. The people who would condemn him today are at the far end of the margins of political life in America. He didn’t get there by telling people they were full of shit. He told them they were wrong, but he did it with love.

And I know you didn’t ask to be Martin Luther King, but remember, he didn’t either. When Rosa Parks got arrested and people asked if they could have a meeting at his church, he didn’t say ‘yes.’ He said, ‘let me think about it.’ I don’t think that role is natural for anyone.

If I’m right about your ambition, I think you need to think long and hard about how to get there. Catty and bitchy and pointing and laughing are fun. I enjoy them too. But it’s my feeling that you need to up your game.

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